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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Wanted
Enough
Make
Always
Never
Team
Politics
Political
Light

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
Art Buchwald