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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Never
Team
Politics
Political
Light
Wanted
Enough
Make
Always

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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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