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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Always
Never
Team
Politics
Political
Light
Wanted
Enough
Make

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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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