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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Feet
Though
Always
Champagne
Like
Tastes
Asleep
Foot
Wine
Taste

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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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