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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Wine
Taste
Feet
Though
Always
Champagne
Like
Tastes
Asleep
Foot

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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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