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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Foot
Wine
Taste
Feet
Though
Always
Champagne
Like
Tastes
Asleep

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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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