Quote

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Enough
Course
Trees
Thickets
Never
Lord
Balls
Vowed
Would
Lost
Somewhere
Searches
Money
Golf
Ivy
Women
Gave
Earned
Reason
Tree
Poison
Thicket
Ever
Feet
Foot
Caddie
Play
Courses
Ball
Caddies

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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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