Quote

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Play
Courses
Ball
Caddies
Enough
Course
Trees
Thickets
Never
Lord
Balls
Vowed
Would
Lost
Somewhere
Searches
Money
Golf
Ivy
Women
Gave
Earned
Reason
Tree
Poison
Thicket
Ever
Feet
Foot
Caddie

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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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