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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Nixon
Richard
Witty
Humorous
Worship
Walks
Powerful
Funny
Quicksand

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The best things in life aren't things.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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