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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Funny
Quicksand
Nixon
Richard
Witty
Humorous
Worship
Walks
Powerful

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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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