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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Walks
Powerful
Funny
Quicksand
Nixon
Richard
Witty
Humorous
Worship

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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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