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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Walks
Powerful
Funny
Quicksand
Nixon
Richard
Witty
Humorous
Worship

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The things that matter most are not things.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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