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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Witty
Humorous
Worship
Walks
Powerful
Funny
Quicksand
Nixon
Richard

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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