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The things that matter most are not things.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Humor
Matter
Things

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
Art Buchwald
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
Art Buchwald
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
Art Buchwald
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Art Buchwald
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Art Buchwald
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
Art Buchwald
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
Art Buchwald
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
Art Buchwald
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
Art Buchwald
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
Art Buchwald
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
Art Buchwald