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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
First
Real
Going
Question
Idea
Place
Ideas
Firsts

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
Art Buchwald
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
Art Buchwald
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
Art Buchwald
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
Art Buchwald
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald