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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Place
Ideas
Firsts
First
Real
Going
Question
Idea

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
Art Buchwald
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
Art Buchwald
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The things that matter most are not things.
Art Buchwald
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
Art Buchwald
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
Art Buchwald
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Art Buchwald
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
Art Buchwald
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
Art Buchwald
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
Art Buchwald
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
Art Buchwald
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
Art Buchwald
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
Art Buchwald
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Art Buchwald
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Art Buchwald
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
Art Buchwald
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
Art Buchwald