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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
First
Real
Going
Question
Idea
Place
Ideas
Firsts

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
Art Buchwald
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
Art Buchwald
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
Art Buchwald
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Art Buchwald
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Art Buchwald
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
Art Buchwald