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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Everyone
Automobile
Makes
Statistics
States
Accidents
Killed
Americans
Prove
Dangerous
United
Buffalo

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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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