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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Establishment
Attack
Members
Enough
Hard
Long
Make
Member

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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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