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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Members
Enough
Hard
Long
Make
Member
Establishment
Attack

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
Art Buchwald
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald