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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Going
Hang
Cellar
Would
Beer
Cellars
Drinking
Heading
Fun
Headings
Comedy
Restaurant
Perfect
Awesome
Making
Comics
Night
Restaurants
Beers
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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
Anthony Jeselnik
