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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Night
Restaurants
Beers
Going
Hang
Cellar
Would
Beer
Cellars
Drinking
Heading
Fun
Headings
Comedy
Restaurant
Perfect
Awesome
Making
Comics

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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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