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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Perfect
Awesome
Making
Comics
Restaurants
Beers
Night
Hang
Cellar
Going
Beer
Cellars
Would
Drinking
Heading
Fun
Headings
Comedy
Restaurant

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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