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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Making
Comics
Night
Restaurants
Beers
Going
Hang
Cellar
Would
Beer
Cellars
Drinking
Heading
Fun
Headings
Comedy
Restaurant
Perfect
Awesome

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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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