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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Write
Dream
Writing
Always
Roast
Awesome
David
Summer

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
Anthony Jeselnik