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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Write
Dream
Writing
Always
Roast
Awesome
David
Summer

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Anthony Jeselnik