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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
First
Huge
Time
Comedy
Stage
Laughs
Knew
Graduation
Class
Awesome
Thought
Store
Firsts
Stores
Everything
Laughing

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
Anthony Jeselnik