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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Firsts
Stores
Everything
Laughing
First
Huge
Time
Comedy
Stage
Laughs
Knew
Graduation
Class
Awesome
Thought
Store
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
Anthony Jeselnik
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
Anthony Jeselnik
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Anthony Jeselnik
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
Anthony Jeselnik
I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
