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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Faces
Hospital
Littles
Volunteer
Little
Units
Looks
Thanksgiving
Children
Hospitals
Every
Burn
Frying
Years
Deep
Unit
Year
Turkeys
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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