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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Enjoy
Feel
Feels
Even
Subway
Attacked
Worthless
Girlfriend
Yesterday
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
Anthony Jeselnik
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
Anthony Jeselnik
