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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Girlfriend
Yesterday
Enjoy
Feel
Feels
Even
Subway
Attacked
Worthless

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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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