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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Cremated
Everybody
Dies

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
Anthony Jeselnik