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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Everybody
Dies
Cremated

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
Anthony Jeselnik