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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Church
Dad
Every
Sorry
Number
Numbers
Went
Asks
Wrong
Sunday
Lying
Calls
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
Anthony Jeselnik
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
