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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Wrong
Sunday
Lying
Calls
Church
Dad
Every
Sorry
Number
Numbers
Went
Asks

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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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