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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Someday
Hated
Mom
Meet
Football
Guarantee
Kids
Guarantees
Play
Letting
Never
Grandmother
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik