Quote

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Never
Grandmother
Someday
Hated
Mom
Meet
Football
Guarantee
Kids
Guarantees
Play
Letting

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
Anthony Jeselnik
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
Anthony Jeselnik
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
Anthony Jeselnik