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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Sure
Roulette
Remember
Uncle
Great
Uncles
Russian
Killed
Choose
Player
Playing

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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Anthony Jeselnik