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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Killed
Choose
Player
Playing
Sure
Roulette
Remember
Uncle
Great
Uncles
Russian

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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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