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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Meaning
Century
Actually
True
Gullibility
Centuries
Christmas

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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