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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Gullibility
Centuries
Christmas
Meaning
Century
Actually
True
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
