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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Meaning
Century
Actually
True
Gullibility
Centuries
Christmas

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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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