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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Christmas
Meaning
Century
Actually
True
Gullibility
Centuries
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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