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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
True
Gullibility
Centuries
Christmas
Meaning
Century
Actually

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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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