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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Makes
Time
Dad
Instead
Talk
Wish
Father

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik