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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Time
Dad
Instead
Talk
Wish
Father
Makes
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
