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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Dad
Instead
Talk
Wish
Father
Makes
Time
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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