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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Instead
Talk
Wish
Father
Makes
Time
Dad
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik