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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Made
Razor
Razors
Blade
Blades
Halloween
Holiday
Created
Industry
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
Anthony Jeselnik
I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
Anthony Jeselnik
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Anthony Jeselnik
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik
Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
Anthony Jeselnik
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
