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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Family
Going
Wedding
Would
Immediate
Marry
Whoever
Sister
Hell
Simple
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik