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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Jeff
Gay
Friend
Names
Think
Thinking
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
Anthony Jeselnik
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
Anthony Jeselnik
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
Anthony Jeselnik
