Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Jeff
Gay
Friend
Names
Think
Thinking
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
Anthony Jeselnik
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Anthony Jeselnik
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
Anthony Jeselnik
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
Anthony Jeselnik
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
