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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Night
Homeless
Feeding
Dogs
Spent
Dog

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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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