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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Homeless
Feeding
Dogs
Spent
Dog
Night
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Anthony Jeselnik
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
Anthony Jeselnik
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik
My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
Anthony Jeselnik
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Anthony Jeselnik
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Anthony Jeselnik