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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Funeral
Girlfriend
Mom
Brother
Found
Flirted
Despicable
Asleep

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik