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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Found
Flirted
Despicable
Asleep
Funeral
Girlfriend
Mom
Brother

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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik