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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Asleep
Funeral
Girlfriend
Mom
Brother
Found
Flirted
Despicable

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik