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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Greetings
Pussy
Valentine
Card
Cards
Created
Industry
Greeting

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Anthony Jeselnik
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Anthony Jeselnik
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Anthony Jeselnik
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik