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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Created
Industry
Greeting
Greetings
Pussy
Valentine
Card
Cards
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
Anthony Jeselnik
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
