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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Viagra
Grandpa
Disgusting
Swear
Eating
Almost
Found
Many
Puked

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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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