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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Grandparent
Suicide
Murder
Hear
Impossible
Words
Without
Quadruple
Thinking
Grandparents

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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