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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Words
Without
Quadruple
Thinking
Grandparents
Grandparent
Suicide
Murder
Hear
Impossible
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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