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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Suicide
Murder
Hear
Impossible
Words
Without
Quadruple
Thinking
Grandparents
Grandparent

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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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