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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Impossible
Words
Without
Quadruple
Thinking
Grandparents
Grandparent
Suicide
Murder
Hear

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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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